Start Again

Start again. Don't be afraid to start again. If you're sick and tired of being sick and tired of where you are, how you're living, where you're headed. Just begin again.

I've made SO many mistakes in my life and the last couple of years I've been headed on a downward spiral. I've lost my love, passion, happiness and general love for life.

Being a Christian it's easy to believe we must always be happy because we have joy in Jesus but sadly I've even lost that. I've strayed so far from myself, what I know, the things that would have kept me from falling deeper into the dark abyss, that I fear there's no point of return. And that is scary. I've allowed the negative experiences that I've had to go through, to keep me from getting back to my equilibrium. I've allowed them to change me and manipulate my character rather than move past them and now they're consuming me. I'm in a place no Christian should ever have to find themself in.

My insecurities have led me to a shocking place and now I'm waking up. I may have gone too far but the point is that I'm now aware of how far I've gone and I thank God for showing me before I digressed further than I already have. I'm waking up to the reality that I despise where I am, how I'm feeling and the things I'm doing to try and compensate for my unhappiness.

Enough is enough. I can choose to continue in this decline or try and change it around. Nobody else can make that decision but me. It starts with ME. And so I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to take the time to become reacquainted with myself. I need to rediscover that inner peace. The harmony of body, spirit and mind. I need to get back to God.

The only time I've ever felt real peace was with God and I maintain that you can NEVER experience the true meaning of peace, love and happiness, without being in love with and knowing God. It may prove to be difficult because of the distractions of the world but I'm past the point of caring about those things. I need to get back to myself and God. That's all that matters. The world has nothing to offer me. All it brings is chaos and turmoil and it's brought me to where I am today. God is all that matters and only God can save me. And so, I'm taking a break from everything I've surrounded and buried myself in. It's time to face my problems and issues and tackle them head on. I'm going into recovery and that my friends, is both a brave and courageous decision to make.

I'm choosing to let God make my life right again. No distractions. Nobody. Just Me and God.  I'm ready.

Rant about Those Guys ...

This is just something I need to get off my chest...

To those guys that only want one thing,

Some of you man seem to only want me for what I cannot provide. For the very thing I refuse to give. Do you realise how rude that is? And the worst thing is,  I've never given any indication that it would ever be on offer! It's not. Nor will it ever be, unless you are the man who has taken me to the altar. He'll deserve it. And still, no matter how clear I make it - it's still all some of you seem to want. I don't know how I attract these kind of guys. The kind that just want sex. Like, what is it about me that makes you think I'm giving it up? The colour of my skin? I don't even look like a 'typical mixed race girl' as they seem to stereotype it as these days. Though what appearance has to do with character, I don't know. Or maybe it's just because I'm short you all think I must be stupid. Well I'm not. And anyone else who wants to befriend me in an attempt to secure the V? Don't even bother. Rue the day you waste my time tryna get from me what God intended for my husband only.

Being Comfortable Within Yourself

It's hard.

I'm not going to try and beat around the bush. Becoming comfortable with who you are in ALL aspects is incredibly difficult, and I won't make out like it's an easy journey. Of course, there are those people who just seem to have been born comfortable and don't feel any way about anything because they accept and love themselves; To those people I give kudos as they are very privileged and blessed to feel that way. 
However, this isn't the case for the majority of people. Even though people may appear comfortable within themselves, it may not necessarily be so, whether they are specifically aware of it themselves or not. Regardless of whether it's on the surface or buried deep down, most people have at least one thing that they aren't happy with, in regards to themselves, and that they would like to change. It's sad and quite difficult to admit but it's true.
Personally, it's been a long road. Having been bullied in primary school because of my appearance, been initially disliked for my attitude and persona in high school, consistently having had my problems, my flaws, my faults, my wrong-doings and short-comings, my issues, blatantly rubbed in my face all. the. time. I mean, it took its toll. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't care about what other people think of me. I don't really care if people think I'm ugly/unattractive or dress weird. I do care if they dislike me as a person but appearance-wise, no. That's one thing I'd definitely say is true, but I do care, as everyone does, about what I think of myself. It's sad to be able to say that you dislike yourself or that you hate yourself. I've been there. There was a time when I hated myself. I couldn't bare to look at myself in the mirror because it made me feel physically sick. I thought I was ugly, not good enough, too skinny, too short, lips too big, nose too strange-looking, eyes too big, forehead too wide, ears too 'pixie-like'. Of course, to everyone around me I think I seem like a confident person, who's sure, collected and just all there but, really?  I've been to hell and back with a mild eating disorder, depression, anxiety, self-harm and image issues. I've had a hard time fitting in and finding myself. Realising what's important and learning to love myself has been a hard road, and it's continuous. I'm still on it. There are still some aspects where I think if only I looked like this or that but I realised that you know what... It doesn't matter. At the end of the day, appearances won't last forever. It's the heart that honestly counts. The Bible says that 'Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.' It's what matters ! 

The dangers of an incomplete circuit.

I don't admit to this easily ... 

Lately, I've been having a difficult time trying to make sense of things. 
My brain knows how to think and the thought process, only something's going wrong somewhere and it fails to come to a feasible conclusion. My mind keeps wandering and I feel as though I am no longer capable of thinking. I frequently find myself sat thinking ... of nothing, and I'm not even kidding. My mind is as empty as (what's empty?), an empty jar. I just do the norm and stick to what I know and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of complaining that I'm lazy, that I'm tired, that I'm stupid, that I'm not all there. I am. I more than capable of thinking, it's just following the thought process through that is the issue. I just need to connect the final fuse to finish the circuit. I'mma be working on that for sure. I have been, and I am slowly getting better. I find it's easier to keep your thoughts to yourself. Of course not always, but in voicing my thoughts, especially when surrounded by others, I leave myself open to their thoughts and opinions on what course of action to take and just like too many cooks spoil the broth, too many opinions seriously mess up your head.
So here's the advice:
If there's one thing you need to organise is your thoughts. An organised mind = and organised life.
And whilst that can prove incredibly difficult it is imperative... You'll only get lost otherwise, in another world of chaos and confusion, and in reality? You'll be complaining of the things you can't do rather than rejoicing and taking a pro-active role in achieving the things you can. Nothing is impossible. It takes a simple thought to change the world. Finish that thought process, right to the very end. You never know what genius idea you may arrive at.

Rocky .x <3