4 yrs and I dunno who I am anymore. Who'd've thought it would ever happen . . . to me !!
I've been in Secondary school for 4 years now and I have no idea who I am anymore. It's literally like I lead a double life where at church I can kinda be myself but at school I have to pretend to be this . . . person who I'm not. I hate it and it's making me forget who I am and once was.
When I first started in yr 7 I knew exactly who I was. I was real and I didn't lie to you to save your feelings. Heartless ? Maybe a tad. But, really it was harmless. The thing is here . . . nobody accepted me.
And it hurt . . . BAD !
I was so used to having so many friends who loved me for the person I was but here, people just thought I was rude. I guess I was a bit rude but deep down I was sensitive and I cared! A lot ! I'm / was just the type of person who didn't like to show their emotions but, when I can trust you ( which is very hard for me ) , I do open up and you see more of the real me. But, I guess I did need to change. EVERYONE told it to me. Not just people at my new school but church friends and family members too!
I wasn't the nicest towards people and I guess it seemed like I was a really mean person. So, I realised what I had to do! I had to change. Originally, I was this real person, maybe a bit raw ( and that needed to change a bit ), but I was super mature for my age too which meant a few people though I was stuck up and what not but, they were in the minority (who am I kidding?), and I liked to pretend I didn't care (even though I really did). I did have a protective barrier that nobody could cross (specially with boys) however, which I guess was bad and I never used to interact with boys because . . . well that's another story - but basically I had issues 'coz of other people and the way they used to treat me and . . . let's just stop there. Also, I never used to let people like get too close for fear of getting hurt coz . . . I have been just WAY too many times. (Also, I never used to smile at people and I was a bit too serious so I'm glad I did what I did next in that particular respect. Lol. : / . x )
Anyways, I changed myself to be the person everybody else wanted me to be. It was hard at first; I mean I sure had to hold my tongue a lot and boy did I have to really think before I spoke but, it worked. People started to genuinely like me as this 'other person'. However, I wasn't completely happy. And I still am not really. It's like at church I can kinda show my true self because, I've grown up with these people. But, at school? They didn't know me and they just didn't get me. I did all I could to fit in to my group of friends so I try so hard not to do anything that will make them not like me. I'm now known for my crazy laugh and for generally being intelligent smart but really dumb and immature. Most people even think I'm super weird because, I literally laugh at EVERYTHING. * Cringe *
But, I HATE it. I wish I could turn back the clock and be who I really am. But it's too late and I'm worried that people will think me even more weird if I 'suddenly change'. Thing is though, I don't even know who I'd change to be like. I honestly don't. I have no idea who I am anymore. I don't know what my personality is. It's like I've become this clone and I'm living this life that's like a living nightmare. Granted, my friends are absolutely lovely but... I dunno. I just don't feel part of the group!
Basically, I've built up this hard shell for protection but, really I have feelings too and I've REALLY taken on board all the bad things people over the years have said to me when, I don't think I should've ! It's eating me up inside and I've changed myself to be what people want me to be and I've realise now that it's just not right.
Anyways I HATE my life now and wish I'd NEVER changed the things that made me - me.
So, my words of advice are:
1. Never pretend you're someone you're not or change who you once were for anything (unless you're sure it's for the better).
It'll only mean you lose the great person you once were and you'll feel rubbish 'coz you no longer know what defines you.
2. Get people to accept you for the real you. Even if they don't and it means you have to be alone.
I wasn't always / didn't always feel, this way . . . I've learned the hard way but it's not too late for you!
3. Don't EVER let ANYONE tell you that you need to change. That's what people did to me and I hate and have totally lost the person I loved. The truth is, when you're ready you'll change by yourself. When you make your own mistakes you learn from them quicker than if people point them out to you. Sure people can help but only if you ASK. I'm not saying ' screw anyone who tells you something bad about you ' , but I'm saying that while you can listen to what people say, don't make changes until
a. you're ready
+ b. till you see your OWN faults and decide to change them for YOURSELF.
So just REMEMBER :
Whoever you are . . . if people w/d on't accept you. NEVER change.
Don't be afraid of who you are or afraid to show it.
No person should ever be able to make you lose who you truly are or make you change your personality.
Don't feel like you have to succumb to what people in different 'cliques' as it were, are like to fit in.
ALWAYS BE YOURSELF.
Words of comfort:
Friends come and friends go. But, God is always there. He knows EXACTLY who you are and he NEVER changes or asks you to change. He just points you in the right path and walks hand-in-hand with you when you see the changes you need to make.
He's all I have left to rely on to help me re-discover myself . . . the real me . . . deep inside 'coz he knows my heart and knows EXACTLY who I am. x
Peace and muahs . x <3
